he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
