Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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