Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
