You just made me feel so damn special
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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