so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize