there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
