DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NoShamevember. You game?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
