why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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