found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
