Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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