before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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