Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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