she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
