I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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