You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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