if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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