just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
