You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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