Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
