Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
