we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
