I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize