My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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