I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
