If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
