FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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