just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
