walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
