Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
