I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
