we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
