Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
