those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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