I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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