On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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