She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
