Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
