She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
