just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
