Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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