a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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