I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
