ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
