...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
