Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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