I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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