isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
