Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
