So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
