i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
