Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
