Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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