youre lurking in front of me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
