You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
