apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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