you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
