The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
