Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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