Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
