Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
